I am thinking about stopping to comment on blogs and in chat rooms. All it does is offend people. I guess no one gets my sense of humor. Who knew. I am thinking of stopping my blogs too. Again too many people upset. I am posting this here because I do not want to post it on my main blog. I don't want people to think it is just for attention. However I am sure I will get some of that too. I am so tired. I am tired of watching what I say and do to everyone. I am tired of walking on eggshells. I am tired of critizism (sp?). I am just plain tired. I am tired of being responsible for everything and blowing it all in the process. My children, house, finances, and life in general are one big mess. It is so bad I don't know where to start. I don't even know if I want to.

If you are reading this, thanks.

I am not looking for comments or attention. I just need to get it out.

I have no use for men. They are all a bunch of liars. They will say whatever they think you want to hear. Then when push comes to shove, they run away as quick as they can. They use you and throw you away. But God forbid they need something else. Then they come crawling back and trying to sweet talk you into it. If they don't do that, then they will turn it around and try to find a way to make everything your fault. I don't usually use this blog to participate in things but I am making an exception to the rule this time. I am sending out a huge FUCK YOU ALL!!!! TO ALL OF THE MALE SPECIES OUT THERE. I refuse to be used and abused anymore. To hell with all of you.

I used to think you would come back to me. I thought Ms. Perfect would dump you and you would come crawling back. Now I know that will never happen. You are moving in with her and talking about getting married. I think this is a mistake. You are doing the same things with this one as you did with the last one. I know I sound bitter, but I can see things that you can't.
I am still angry with you. Some days I think I can move on and you will just fade into a memory. Other days I feel like you used me. You never cared for me. You were just lonely. Other days I am angry at you and myself for believing you. I believed that you would always be there for me like you promised. Now I know it is a lie. Some days the pain comes back so much I can't breathe. Some days I wish I had never met you. Then some days I am glad to have you in my life. If I don't hear from you, I miss you. I miss the late night messages, texts, and constant phone calls. I miss feeling like you cared and missed me too. Some days I want to unplug my phone and never speak to you again.
Let's face it. I have fucked things up. Badly. If I could only turn back the clock. I know the line and never should have crossed it. I wish I could take back that one moment in time. Things would be different. Instead I have to learn to adapt to my new life. I don't think I like this new life.

Stupid Stupid Me.


I should have known better. When will I learn you can count on exactly no one in the world.
YOU swore to me if I ever needed you, you would drop everything and be there for me. I needed you yesterday. I called for you and you turned your back on me. How could you do that? Maybe a better question would be, "Why did I ever believe you?"
You told me what I wanted to hear and I fell for it. I am such an idiot. I will never trust you again. You took my heart, soul, and trust and betrayed them all. You went from telling me you love me to telling me you love me as a friend to turning your back on me. I hate you right now. I thought you were different. You can tell yourself you are different from other men, but you are all the same. You got what you wanted and needed and now you have moved on. You have no idea how much damage you have left behind. I don't think you even care about it either. I know you read this sometimes and get mad at me for what I write, but guess what? I don't care. This is how I feel! These are my feelings and too bad if you don't like it. I am tired of appologizing for my feelings. There it is out there for all to read. Be mad all you want. Get over it. I have to.

You keep pulling away. You say you aren't, but you are.


Today you said to me "Don't take this the wrong way, but I am going to stop depending on you for things. I will do things on my own. I don't need you to hold my hand and you have your own life"


Don't take this the wrong way ?!?!?!?!?!


How exactly am I supposed to take it?

I told you, when SHE came into your life, you would push me out. It is starting. You think I don't realize it but I do.


It hurts.

I was doing so well. I hadn't cried in over a week. I actually thought I might make it. I thought the sun was peeking through.


WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!



It is all falling apart. Do you know what it feels like to think no one wants you? Not only is it a blow to your ego, it hurts alot.
My husband told me not to hug him anymore because apparently I hurt him when I hug him (physically not emotionally). I am not that big of a person. He is still bigger than me. How is that possible.
Then my "friend" told me he loves Ms. Perfect and will never love me that way. Ouch.
Then a person I thought might be interested in me announces to me he has the hots for another friend of mine. She is tall, thin and blonde. How can you compete with that? I guess I read all those people wrong. I really thought at least one of them could love me.


Why do I bother even getting up in the morning. It is just a huge waste of time. I can be replaced by a maid and a calendar. Why should I even bother trying. I think I will just give up. All the fight has gone out of me. I just can't care anymore.


I am done

It is the start to a new week. I am trying to stay positive, but my emotions are all over the map. I have been called nosy. That hurt. Now I am trying not to ask questions about anything. I was very cold this morning. Not rude, just distant. He hinted around for a hug, but I didn't cave. Maybe I will get through this. I try not to let myself think that he used me. Sometimes the hurt comes and it will cross my mind. I guess in a way, I used him too. Two lost souls. Maybe that is just all garbage. I just don't know. Part of me wants to go back in time to the flirting and joking around. The carefree times. Part of me thinks I should just walk away. I have a feeling that once he is employed again, he will disappear from my life. He won't need me anymore. For all his talk about being his best friend, I somehow wonder if that is true. He will have a job and his girlfriend. What will he need me for. We won't go out as couples so I probably won't see him anymore. Maybe the cosmics think that is the way it should be.