You keep pulling away. You say you aren't, but you are.


Today you said to me "Don't take this the wrong way, but I am going to stop depending on you for things. I will do things on my own. I don't need you to hold my hand and you have your own life"


Don't take this the wrong way ?!?!?!?!?!


How exactly am I supposed to take it?

I told you, when SHE came into your life, you would push me out. It is starting. You think I don't realize it but I do.


It hurts.

I was doing so well. I hadn't cried in over a week. I actually thought I might make it. I thought the sun was peeking through.


WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!



It is all falling apart. Do you know what it feels like to think no one wants you? Not only is it a blow to your ego, it hurts alot.
My husband told me not to hug him anymore because apparently I hurt him when I hug him (physically not emotionally). I am not that big of a person. He is still bigger than me. How is that possible.
Then my "friend" told me he loves Ms. Perfect and will never love me that way. Ouch.
Then a person I thought might be interested in me announces to me he has the hots for another friend of mine. She is tall, thin and blonde. How can you compete with that? I guess I read all those people wrong. I really thought at least one of them could love me.


Why do I bother even getting up in the morning. It is just a huge waste of time. I can be replaced by a maid and a calendar. Why should I even bother trying. I think I will just give up. All the fight has gone out of me. I just can't care anymore.


I am done

It is the start to a new week. I am trying to stay positive, but my emotions are all over the map. I have been called nosy. That hurt. Now I am trying not to ask questions about anything. I was very cold this morning. Not rude, just distant. He hinted around for a hug, but I didn't cave. Maybe I will get through this. I try not to let myself think that he used me. Sometimes the hurt comes and it will cross my mind. I guess in a way, I used him too. Two lost souls. Maybe that is just all garbage. I just don't know. Part of me wants to go back in time to the flirting and joking around. The carefree times. Part of me thinks I should just walk away. I have a feeling that once he is employed again, he will disappear from my life. He won't need me anymore. For all his talk about being his best friend, I somehow wonder if that is true. He will have a job and his girlfriend. What will he need me for. We won't go out as couples so I probably won't see him anymore. Maybe the cosmics think that is the way it should be.

We had a big fight yesterday. Okay, a heated discussion. On the plus side, I think we settled some stuff. As a best friend, I am thrilled for him, as an ex lover, I am devastated. I think he finally gets it. I think I will get through this. Time will tell. I am not ready to meet HER yet. Maybe in the future. Who knows. I feel a little better today.Cross your fingers I will get through it. I am tired of being sad and crying. I don't want to anymore.
Yesterday someone said to me, if I don't start smiling they are going to staple a smile on my face. I am going to try my hardest to smile more. How does that saying go?

"DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GET YOU DOWN" I am going to try to stay strong and BREATHE. (thanks Leigh).